Beer and Rad Clothing in Las Vegas

When a male reaches the age of 21, he makes an important transformation. He is no longer a boy. No longer does he concern himself with childish things. No longer does he rely on the support of others to reach his goals and realize his dreams. He is a grown ass man doing grown ass responsible man things.

Well. That’s a load of crap if I’ve ever heard it.

Okay, so he isn’t quite a man, and he still does childish things. In fact, I would say he does things that an actual child would respond with “Dude, really? You’re being a total dumbass right now.” And no longer relying on others to achieve goals and dreams? Fudge no! If I didn't have other people telling me what to do all the time, I would have probably been dead or in prison or both a long time ago. Hell, I don't even know what my hopes and dreams are. Be a professional wrestler? President of money? Is that a thing? I dunno.

I’m getting way off course here. Summing up aforementioned text, 21 year olds are stupid people. BUT, the coolest thing about turning 21 is that you can go to Las Vegas. There we go, this is the direction in intended to go with this story.

My first trek to Las Vegas was with my parents and brother, Matt, back in 2007. We ate a bunch of food, saw some good shows, and even won a little cash. Probably the most exciting thing that happened during this trip was then I accidentally engaged in conversation with a prostitute. It was great first visit to Vegas, but I had only scratched the surface.

One of the next times I went to Vegas was during grad school with a bunch of my old fraternity brothers. Ya…I don't really remember that trip. But I do know that we were there and nobody died. So that's good.

Fast forward to when I moved to Dallas roughly four years ago. Each year I’ve lived here, I’ve visited Las Vegas with a crew of Wichita Independent Panther alumni: Andrew “Tall” Hart, Doug “The Plug” Roark, Jonny “Marc” Rico, and Andrew “Hollywood” Maness. During each of these visits, we have a set list of things we like to do, and we always add one or two things each year. A pretty standard trip to Vegas for us usually includes the following:

Thursday

  • Land and cab it to the hotel with a personalized playlist. This year, I plan on landing in montage fashion to Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk. Because that song is amazing.
  • Immediately lose $20 at digital roulette while waiting for party pals to arrive
  • Find the nearest Walgreens, buy 6-pack of PBR tall boys and a large bag of Ruffles
  • Walk around the strip and soak up all the terribleness that it has to offer
  • Drink a Gatorade and go to sleep

Friday

  • Wake up and give each other high fives because the night before was so awesome
  • Shower (separately) and throw on our faux bachelor party tanks. This is very important. Quite possibly the most important and sweetest part of the trip is our custom, fake bachelor party tanks. We create a new design each year that basically just has our faces Photoshopped on pop culture icons from the 80’s. You may be asking, “Why the hell do you do this?” and I will respond with “Why the hell not? It’s fun, and Maness gets like a hundred free drinks because people actually think it’s his bachelor party.” (See image above for this year’s tank pic...sorry it's pixelated, but it looks sweet on the tanks).
  • Hit up Margaritaville and destroy like 10,000 calories worth of nachos
  • Wander around the strip, put out the vibe, and gamble
  • Head downtown for some cheap tables and drinks
  • Hop on the hottest ride in town – The Vegas Pub Crawler. This is likely my favorite thing we have ever done in Las Vegas. I’m sure most of you have seen pub cycles around town (Basically one giant bicycle where everyone peddles, drinks, and participates in mobile partying). This particular pub cycle takes us on a pub-crawl throughout downtown Vegas, and it is glorious. The most memorable part of last year’s experience was when we agreed that we didn't need to take shots that day. I believe it was Andrew who said,” Alright guys, we’re feeling good, having an awesome time drinking beers. Let’s just avoid shots today.” We all agreed. But not 15 minutes later, we had all consumed not one, but two scorpion shots (Fireball with dead scorpion corpses in them). Honestly, that just kicked the experience up like 12 notches, and we had a night to remember (or piece together later). Point being, we had a lot of fun.

Saturday

  • Eat at Caesar’s Palace buffet and drink unlimited mimosas (sans orange juice…champagne…we drink a bunch of champagne).
  • Hit up the pool
  • Go to a show. Magic show, Meatloaf, or Holly Madison. We’re still deciding for this year.
  • Visit the raddest bar in the world, YOLO’s for a night of karaoke. Yes, there is really a bar called YOLO’s and it lives up to all the hype

Sunday

  • Eat at a $100 buffet where we consume all the lobster, steak, and caviar our bellies can hold
  • Hop on a flight home whilst having the meat sweats thanks to the aforementioned meal

  Monday 

  • Temporary depression sets in
  • Sleep and drink Gatorade

So there you have it. Our adventures in Las Vegas aren’t anything too wildly crazy, but they are most certainly wildly awesome.

...sorry Mom.

Mark's Movie Reviews - Armageddon

A month or so ago, my friend, Scott, reached out to me and said I should write movie reviews. And he said I should start with the movie Armageddon. So here goes.

Overall, this movie is really stupid. But it is also entertaining and awesome! I recently re-watched it on one of the HBO channels. I don't recall which HBO channel it was, but it was probably something like HBO for Explosions and Sweet One-Liners. The entire time I was watching the movie, I shook my head in semi-embarrassment for all its silliness. But I couldn't stop watching it. Because dammit, it is a suspenseful flick that left me on the edge of my seat even though I’d already seen it multiple times.

The machismo in this movie is off the freaking charts. It’s basically one giant MANshake party amongst all the dude characters. What I mean by MANshake party is that it is as if the male characters are squeezing each others’ gear, staring each other in the eyes, and saying “You may be crazy with your wild cowboy ways you son of a bitch, but dammit I respect you.” Metaphorically speaking of course.

Some of my favorite parts were all the cheese d*ck lines that Michael Bay sprinkled throughout. “I don’t know what you’re doing down there, but we got a hole to dig up here,” says Bruce Willis in one such line. Bruce, I’m going to dig a hole in my head with a power drill if you continue to ruin your acting career one line at a time here.

At the end of the movie, I wasn't sure if I should stand up and salute the TV or go lift weights with a bunch of sweaty dudes. I guess my point is that there is a ton of BROmosexuality going on here. And it is awesome!

I give this movie 4/5 Biceps*.

*From this moment forward, I will use "Biceps" as a measure of awesomeness. Like a star rating, but less stupid.