Extra! Extra! Read all about it! M. Night Shyamalan has decided to once again grace the silver screen with the presence of another terrible no good piece of crap. Now, one would usually write a movie review AFTER seeing the movie, but since this is a M. Night Shyamalan movie, that just isn’t necessary.
As per usual, the trailer seems pretty creepy and original and actually does deliver a lot of promise. Only M. Night will find a way to put a metaphorical bullet in that promise’s head and then shove that now ruined promise right up the movie’s metaphorical ass. I wouldn't be surprised if the way they develop the script is by having two separate brainstorming sessions. The first session is to come up with a super badass, creepy story that will scare the underpants off of moviegoers. Once they feel like they have a really solid plot with lots of twists and scares, they hold their second brainstorm. In this brainstorm, they find ways to destroy what made the original idea good and actually find ways to make each scene suck more than the last one.
I’m not even sure who is in this movie or what they’ve been in before, but I bet they have at least some decent acting ability. And our trusty pal, M. Night, will seek out that very talent. He will be able to dig down deep into the depths of their acting core and identify what it is that makes them successful entertainers. And after he finds it, he will destroy the sh*t out of it! He will make damn certain that these performers will display absolutely zero good qualities on his set. His slogan should be: From able-bodied actors to absolute ass clowns.
I’ve never met the guy, but I would imagine if were to interview him and ask him about making this movie, he would give me a quote similar to this one: “I knew it didn’t matter whether or not I put any effort into it. People would still go see it just because Sixth Sense and Signs were so good. Really all I needed to do was make the trailer seem scary and then let an intern direct the rest of the movie. I was on set about 40% of the time, but I was usually just surfing Twitter for naked lady pics or Snap Chatting images of the crew with wieners drawn on them. ”
This is his fifth attempt to make a decent scary movie since Signs…maybe the sixth attempt…oh who gives a rat’s ball bag which attempt it is. He had two decent movies and everything thereafter is progressively more terrible.
Here’s a list of things I would rather do than see this movie:
- Repeat 5th grade
- Get a bowl (hair)cut again
- Eat nothing but Play-Doh for a day
- Watch 10 episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
- Watch 15 episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
- Cardio
This movie will be terrible, but let’s be honest, I will probably see it anyways.