As most of us know (with the exception of my good friend, BJ), professional wrestling is as fake as it is awesome. They throw bogus punches, fabricate feud’s between characters, and as much as I hate to admit it, Hulk Hogan uses hair dye on that gorgeous blond mane of his. The whole thing is one big manly man soap opera fueled by theatrics.
BUT. Through all of this faux showmanship, there are some very real consequences. Believe it or not, having one’s body repeatedly slammed into the mat with a combination of power bombs and elbow drops starts to take a toll on the body. That’s probably why a lot of wrestlers in the 80’s and early 90’s thought it would be a good idea to soothe their aching bodies and increase their energy levels with pain killers and a bit of booger sugar, respectively. And if all that crap wasn’t enough, how do you think they built up those gargantuan muscles and got so swole? You sure as hell don’t get biceps the size of Chris Farley’s waistband and pecs the size of Dolly Parton’s boobs by simply drinking a few protein shakes and eating a bunch of chicken breasts. They had a little assistance from a word ending in “roids” (Not the kind that grow out of your butt. The kind that are shot into your butt).
So despite all the fakeness and thanks to the aforementioned bodily abuse, wrestling can get really real sometimes. It seems like every time I turn around another fabled wrestling hero has passed on to that “big ring in the sky.” Macho Man Randy Savage? Snapped into his last Slim Jim more than four years ago. Ultimate Warrior? Recently returned to “parts unknown.”
I was deeply saddened to hear the news that my all-time favorite wrestler, Rowdy Roddy Piper, succumbed to a heart attack and passed away last week. For those of you who know me (let’s be real, my mom is the only one who reads this), you may be surprised to hear that my favorite wrestler is not, in fact, Hulk Hogan. After all, he does epitomize the true American hero of one of the greatest decades in the history of the universe, the 1980’s. That, and along with Rocky Balboa, he defeated communism by shear intimidation of the USSR. As per usual, I am getting off topic here…where was I? Yes, I love me some Hulk Hogan, but as an overall entertainer, I loved Rowdy Roddy Piper even more.
The funny thing is that I didn’t even really get into wrestling until I was in college. And really the only wrestlers I cared for were ones that were way passed their prime (those who reigned supreme in the 80’s and early 90’s). The sport became a novelty to me. It was this big, silly-assed show that featured ridiculous characters and mustered more testosterone and machismo than a Viagra factory. I loved watching old bouts between these titans with my buddies on DVD’s and, most recently, the WWE network. The ones I enjoyed the most were the matches involving all the previously mentioned kings of the ring, and, most notably, those fights featuring Mr. Piper.
Not only did I enjoy his wrestling career, but after seeing him in the cult classic, They Live, my fandom for Hot Rod skyrocketed. He essentially assumed the same role as a big burly badass in this movie as he did in the ring, but instead of battling other wrestlers, he engaged in a knockdown drag-out brawl with co-star Keith David and then murdered a bunch of aliens to death. The action is only made better with the super sweet one-liners such as the following sprinkled throughout: “I have come to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” It is an over-the-top, awesome flick that every one should see at least three times.
Rod flexed his entertainment muscles beyond the ring and the silver screen. He also took a shot at comedy and hit a bull’s-eye. In probably my favorite role of his, he teamed up with the gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia as local wrestler, Mr. Maniac. His character personifies the lives of washed up, broken down former wrestling stars who are trying to hold onto that tiny sliver of spotlight left for them to take. A site that seems all too abundant today. Despite the depressing undertone, his character was hilarious. He was a rough-around-the-edges, out-of-his-mind, maniac that lives out of his station wagon and gets arrested for unpaid parking tickets. Even funnier, he returns several seasons later and finds redemption in the form of a pyramid scheme.
My admiration for Roddy grew even bigger after watching the episode of Celebrity Wife Swap featuring him and Ric Flair. I realize this is “reality TV” and shows like this take every liberty in the world to frame people as they see fit, but there was something genuine and down to earth about him that really appealed to me. He just seemed like a good dude that loved his family and enjoyed a simple life away from the spotlight (for the most part). This image is definitely amplified when they compare him to Ric Flair. Man, that guy has some problems. But yes, I watch Celebrity Wife Swap from time to time, and I am not ashamed to admit it.
Last but not least, I was able to see Rowdy Roddy Piper in the flesh a few months back. My girlfriend and I were down in Houston to see my friend, Andrew, and we decided to check out Houston Comic Con. The primary reason we wanted to go was to see the “celebrities” that were in attendance, especially Roddy. After paying what would equate to half a month’s rent to get into the convention, we made our way to his autograph/photo op booth. When we finally found it, we were a little shocked. The line to see him was really freakin’ long. Instead of waiting in line and shelling out a lot more dough, we opted to get our picture taken with Ted DiBiase AKA “The Million Dollar Man.” His line was a lot shorter and we even got to hold his fake diamond coated belt. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t an awesome experience.
Though we didn’t get to meet Roddy, we were still able to observe him with other fans. The whole time, he had a big ol’ grin on his face and took the time to chat with every single person he signed an autograph for or took a picture with. Though I’m sure he would have rather been somewhere else than hanging out with a bunch of dorks at a nerd convention, he was genuinely friendly and kind to everyone. And because of this, he once again, made me like him even more.
Though I never knew him personally, he seemed like one of the good guys (even though he often played a villain in the ring). He was one hell of an entertainer, and it makes me sad that he is gone. I have no doubt that he is up there in that “big ring in the sky” with the rest of his fallen brethren.
Rest rowdy, Mr. Piper. You will be forever missed.