A month or so ago, my friend, Scott, reached out to me and said I should write movie reviews. And he said I should start with the movie Armageddon. So here goes.
Overall, this movie is really stupid. But it is also entertaining and awesome! I recently re-watched it on one of the HBO channels. I don't recall which HBO channel it was, but it was probably something like HBO for Explosions and Sweet One-Liners. The entire time I was watching the movie, I shook my head in semi-embarrassment for all its silliness. But I couldn't stop watching it. Because dammit, it is a suspenseful flick that left me on the edge of my seat even though I’d already seen it multiple times.
The machismo in this movie is off the freaking charts. It’s basically one giant MANshake party amongst all the dude characters. What I mean by MANshake party is that it is as if the male characters are squeezing each others’ gear, staring each other in the eyes, and saying “You may be crazy with your wild cowboy ways you son of a bitch, but dammit I respect you.” Metaphorically speaking of course.
Some of my favorite parts were all the cheese d*ck lines that Michael Bay sprinkled throughout. “I don’t know what you’re doing down there, but we got a hole to dig up here,” says Bruce Willis in one such line. Bruce, I’m going to dig a hole in my head with a power drill if you continue to ruin your acting career one line at a time here.
At the end of the movie, I wasn't sure if I should stand up and salute the TV or go lift weights with a bunch of sweaty dudes. I guess my point is that there is a ton of BROmosexuality going on here. And it is awesome!
I give this movie 4/5 Biceps*.
*From this moment forward, I will use "Biceps" as a measure of awesomeness. Like a star rating, but less stupid.