Winter is gone. Spring has sprung. People are finally starting to feel less like mutants and more like human beings again after last weekend’s St. Patty’s day festivities. That can mean only one thing:
Baseball is back!
But forget those prima donna ass clowns in the Big Leagues. Are you looking for real action? I’m talking hardnose, balls to the wall, leave it all out on the field kind of baseball? Watch players smoke cigarettes and settle arguments with their girlfriends in between innings kind of baseball? I mean the passionate embrace of dugout dreams for no other purpose than loving the game kind of baseball? Then look no further than the North Texas Amateur Baseball League.
And if you’re looking for an extra interesting cast of characters, then you’ve come to the right place.
Welcome to the The Old Fashioneds NEW 2018 season preview.
From a personnel standpoint, we are welcoming back the core of our 2017 squad.
Here is a breakdown of returning ‘Ned brethren:
Mr. Old Fashioned himself, Dan Gross, looks to continue his outstanding play in from his team MVP season last year. Look for lots of hits, steals, and beautiful centerfield snags from this fella. They say that 2/3 of the earth is covered with water. Well, the other 1/3 is covered by #18.
When he’s not chowing down on 4,000 calories worth of the weirdest collection of food anyone has ever seen in the dugout, Rob Bush will be bashing the baseball all over the diamond like a man possessed.
You bet your baseballs that Jake Berman is coming back to wield is elite level of play all over the field. Quite literally. He can play anywhere – even positions that don’t even exist yet. He aims to hit a few dingers, make too many awe-inspiring plays to remember, and possibly get in an argument or two with the umpires.
Chris “King of Scoop” Corbeille will hold down the one-bag and serve as a double-layered brick wall, snagging every errant throw sent his way by some of the more-than-enthusiastic infielders (*cough Jake Martin cough*).
Much to the dismay of our opponents, Tyler “The Heaver’” Keever will be starting on the mound, making fastballs dance and sidearm sliders glide out of eager batters’ reach. He just may squeak out a few solid hits too.
Garrett Vascil returns as our resident heart taker with his long-flowing, gorgeous mane of blond hair and a heartbreaker with his high K/9 ratio on the mound.
For you opposing runners on second base, don’t you dare try to collect that run and dart for home on a base hit to left field, because Austin “Laser Arm” Bazar will gun you down with plenty of room to spare.
I hope you have two claps and a Ric Flair ready, because Jake Martin is back to smack the ball around and hold down the hot corner. That and make a lot of nonsensical ramblings that earn a lot of head shakes from his teammates.
Patrick O’Keefe, our own personal roadrunner, will be back to steal no less than 100 bases. This guy is so fast, he literally outran his pants one time and had to slide into second bare-assed.
Eric “Big D” Dzurisin will be bringing back his army of loud, raving fans to watch him dominate the mound with his loud left arm. He may even tell a whiny opponent or two to pipe down after he hangs a backwards K on them.
If the Bengay and Brett Favre sponsored CopperFit can hold his old ass together, Mark Shonka returns to chew up some innings on the mound and rock a bitchin’ “Wild Thing” haircut when the playoffs roll around.
Eric “Eazy E” Barton will be getting down and dirty behind the dish. With two healthy thumbs in tow, he will be calling great games for his pitchers left and right (pun intended).
“Moped” Marc Galland will be hopping around the infield, doling out straight heat on the mound, and smoking line drives all over the park. He was fast already, but he’ll be even faster this year thanks to his losing a few ounces and being more aerodynamic.
Kirk “Captain Infield” Williamson is back to make short stop and 2nd base look easy. That and he is just a really nice guy with a really nice beard. And he could totally beat up Jake Martin in a fight.
We also welcome a handful of new ‘Neds to the mix:
Our #1 draft pick, Cory Reynolds, plans to live up to his huge signing bonus by bolstering our catching staff and smoking line drives.
Ashley Olivier looks to become a more likeable version of Jake Martin, playing corner infield spots and rocking moonshots that won’t land until 2019.
I haven’t met Tristan yet, but he seems like a good dude. I am told he hits near 1.000 in the playoffs, so something tells me he will help our team batting average.
When he’s not hurling Hans Gruber from the top of Nakatomi Plaza, our very own New York cop, Jeff, will be hurling sick heaters from the mound and hitting dingers over fences.
We sadly announce the (fingers crossed only temporary) departure of some of our beloved bros:
Longtime ‘Ned Dan Killilea started a mercenary-for-hire business and is currently squashing an uprising somewhere in South America.
Logan sold a box of live hand grenades to kids and is currently facing trial.
Tre’ Harden is taking over the Strongest Man in the World competition and putting Arnold Schwarzenegger to shame.
Jacob Ingram got really into the ‘60s and no one ever saw him again (free Lone Star for anyone who can pick up that reference without Googling it).
Next up (Are you even still reading this?), we have a shakeup in teams this year.
Several squads return intact – Orioles, Braves, Indians, Pirates, The Old Fashioneds (duh), and defending champs, Spirits.
These tried and true teams are what make the NTABL so great. Made up of excellent ballplayers who simply love the game, they are a fun bunch of squads that make every matchup a blast. Not taking it too seriously – but most certainly not taking it too lightly – these guys understand the balance of playing with fierce passion and recreational spirit.
Boston, I plan on entering the game to throw you one fastball. But that’s all you get, man.
But we also have a few new – or at least newly mixed teams – including the Reds, Fighting Squirrels, and the Spartans.
We’ve had the privilege of playing against most of these guys under different teams, and I’m excited to see how their newly formed squads come together.
There are also a few departing teams.
Reid, I don’t know what the Tube Sox are up to this year, but I miss you man. How’s the mustache?
Lastly, I am sad to report that Patty’s Pelicans will be moving on to a different league that plays only on weekends this year thanks to so many of their players fathered children. Best of luck dudes!
Almost done…
The ‘Neds are locked in and ready to get nasty this year. We look forward to hoisting that championship hardware high and dousing each other with a celebratory Lone Star bath when all is said and done.
Phew! Thanks for sticking this out with me, guys and gals. We can’t wait to see you all in the stands this season!